Comedian Adam Sandler In 'Serious' Condition
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - Longtime fans of Adam Sandler wept tears of joy outside Mount Sinai Hospital after news broke that the actor, singer, and stand-up comedian was rushed into the Emergency Room.
Radical Procedure Targets 'Funny Gene'
"This is the first time this has been attempted on a human being," said Dr. George Carlin, in charge of performing the complicated procedure on Sandler. "We've tested it on some of the most notorious animals on the Internet, including Grumpy Cat, and we're just glad that after all these years Mr. Sandler realized there is a problem and volunteered to be the first human subject."
TrendSmasher learned that the ground-breaking procedure was partially funded by investors at Happy Madison Productions - Sander's production company whose name dates the last approximate time the comedian was considered funny by the general public, not solely by adult men who live in their parents' basement.
"We go in through the Medulla oblongata and target what we call the 'funny gene'," said Dr. Richard Pryor, who helped pioneer full maximization of the comedic genetic marker. "Once we're in there, we simply turn the gene back on. We're hoping that within a few months, Mr. Sandler can start to be funny again, because I have to be honest, I couldn't get through five minutes of The Ridiculous
Hollywood Studios Optimistic
Ever since Sandler formed his own production company in 1999, his movies have been almost universally panned. With disasters like Little Nicky, Click, and Jack and Jill, it is a wonder to many people how the New York-born comedian manages to produce box office winners.
"We call it the Sandler Phenomenon," said Chris Farley, Talent Executive at Paramount Studios. "Sandler had a novel routine at first, acting like an overgrown baby. Now, it's gotten old and he can't really switch it up. He's descending into Rob Schneider territory now, and that's not a good thing."
Candlelight Vigil Outside Hospital
Even with his decade-plus run of ridiculously bad movies, fans of Sandler still remember his stint on Saturday Night Live, Billy Madison, and Happy Gilmore.
"Man, I grew up with this guy," said Sam Kinison, a longtime Sandler fan. "I just loved his intensity and the way he could get so angry. Now, I feel hollow inside whenever I see a trailer for one of his movies. I hope this surgery works."
Andy Kaufman, founder of the Sandler For Life Fan Club, seemed dour outside the hospital on a cold winter's night. "I just don't know what's going on with this guy. He started off so awesome and then it all kinda crumbled to pieces. But, you've gotta keep your fingers crossed and hope for the best."
Adam Sandler Speaks
TrendSmasher managed to bribe Phil Hartman, one of the hospital's orderlies, with copies of Adam Sandler's movies in order to gain access to the recovery room.
"I want to say thanks to all my fans," Sandler said, taking a moment to look out the window at the thousands of people gathered to wish him a speedy, and funny, recovery. "I am going to make people laugh again. I swear I will be funny again!"
Hartman, who lives in his mother's basement clasped his hands together with rapt glee. "It's working! It's working!"