Former Coach To Design Groundbreaking Strategy To Deal With Irate Customers
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA - TrendSmasher reports that former Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly is being hotly pursued by Comcast ($CMCSA) one of the top companies headquartered in Philadelphia.
In a brazen move by Comcast brass, Chip Kelly appears to be in locked in tense negotiations to head up the giant media conglomerate's customer outreach division in the city of Philadelphia.
"When I spoke to those guys over there I started to formulate a revolutionary new plan on how to get the job done," said Chip Kelly. "First, I'm going to go through all the personnel files and get rid of the most productive employees. After that, I'm going to bring in a bunch of newbies and let the chips fall where they may."
Instead of a traditional title, Kelly is negotiating a lucrative package that will require him to be addressed as 'Coach', put him in charge of the company's softball team, and replace the famous Rocky statue with a gigantic bust of Kelly.
"We feel really good about this hire," said Comcast CEO Brian Roberts. "We've had some difficult press over the years involving customer service, and we think Chip Kelly will definitely bring our brand to the market in a new light."
While the news was met with a giant ho-hum by the markets early on Wednesday, many residents and Comcast subscribers in Philadelphia were not so receptive of the news.
"I've had it," said local resident and huge Eagles fan, Simone Skywalker. "I'm switching to DirecTv. I just can't take this crap anymore."
"First he runs our football team in to the ground - now he's going to turn Comcast around?" questioned Freddy Smith, who runs a local bar near Lincoln Financial Field. "This guy is radioactive if you ask me."
Some of Kelly's former players couldn't believe the news. "I told y'all this wasn't going to end well," said LeSean McCoy, RB for the Buffalo Bills. "Now I'm worried about my fans in Philly. What are they going to do when there's a customer service issue? Move?"
"The guy is clueless," echoed Jeremy Maclin, another casualty of Kelly's roster management strategy who now catches passes for the Kansas City Chiefs. "He's just going to do what he did to the Eagles to Comcast."
"I'm going to revolutionize customer service with my hurry-up system," said Kelly. "Naysayers will always have something to say, but my new system will prove them all wrong. Customer service will be all about offense, getting out there and making things happen as quickly as possible, without a thought about possible ramifications. That's how we're going to do things."