Beverage Giant Shifts Focus From Water To Air; Defense Contractors Commissioned
GLENDALE, CALIFORNIA - After being raked across the national media's burning hot coals over statements about water not being a human right, Nestlé has doubled-down on their privatization push and declared that breathable air is also not a human right.
The Private Air Market
Nestlé CEO Peter Brabeck-Letmathe made waves over the past few years as a champion for water privatization, and now the company is making a push to privatize air.
"Breathable air is not a human right," said Brabeck-Letmathe. "We're going to try and privatize air because there is profit to be made. Besides, we've already pumped almost every drop of water out of California. We see this as a big opportunity for our shareholders as everyone needs to breathe."
Nestlé has already commissioned 2.7 billion 'Constant Reducing Atmosphere Percolators' (CRAP) from Lockheed-Martin ($LMT), General Dynamics ($GD), and Raytheon ($RTN). Estimates place the cost of the highly ambitious project at $11.8 Trillion over the next decade.
"Everyone needs to breathe," said Brabeck-Letmathe. "The investment cost is high, but every person on the planet will soon be our customers from the time they are born until death."
Air Storage Problem Solved
TrendSmasher reports that extensive tunnels will be dug into the ground in order to store the vast amounts of breathable air that Nestlé will harvest from the atmosphere. Air will be available to consumers on daily, monthly, yearly and in lifetime packages.
"People with more money will be able to secure their ability to breathe for a long time," said Ariel Nitrogenous, a spokesperson for Nestlé. "But if you don't pay, you'll quickly suffer from asphyxiation and die."
Nestlé will be able to control air distribution to different regions of the world and reports are circulating that the U.S. military is highly interested in the endeavor for obvious applications.
Politicians Not Amused
TrendSmasher asked many of the current crop of Presidential candidates about the new Nestlé controversy.
"I don't think it's right," said GOP Presidential front-runner Donald Trump. "What about those of us who are full of hot air and need more oxygen? I am not sure Nestlé will make air great again."
"Air should be free for everyone," added Senator Bernie Sanders. "And so should everything else!"
"I'm still stuck on the privatization of water," said Senator Marco Rubio, awkwardly drinking from his sippy-cup.
"As long as they don't privatize food, I'm okay with it," said Governor Chris Christie.
"My servers require the flow of air for them to function properly," said Democrat Presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton. "How is the billing going to work for servers?"
"Please pay attention to me," said Senator Ted Cruz.