Walmart (WMT) Boldy Goes Where No Retailer Has Gone Before
BENTONVILLE, ARKANSAS - Retail giant Walmart (WMT) has initiated plans to aggressively compete with Amazon (AMZN) in online retailing and streaming video, but the company now has its sights set on the promise of retail outside the protective atmosphere of planet Earth. Will the clash between the world's biggest retailers carry beyond the friendly confines of the third planet?
Walmart (WMT): Walmoon or Walmars?
With human colonization of outer space on the horizon, Walmart has taken one small step for retail and one giant leap for giant retailers. The company has received exclusive commerce rights to sell products on future space stations, Mars, the Moon and elsewhere inside our solar system according to documents filed with and approved by the U.S. Department of Commerce.
Doug McMillon CEO of Walmart was pleased with the ruling.
"One day it will be time for humans to leave the Earth and live among the stars," said McMillon. "Walmart will be there to provide scores of menial jobs and dominate all commerce in the solar system. Amazon can have Earth, we'll take space."
U.S. Department of Commerce Sated
Wilbur Ross, expected to be confirmed as Secretary of Commerce, was pleased with the deal.
"When full-scale strip mining begins we will extract every last resource from the Moon," said Ross. "Oh yes, there will be blood. Walmart will be a great partner because the company has the same vision I do: a bleak future of working drones happy with base survival."
Ross went on to describe his glee of watching the yet to be created Lunar Misery Index (LMI) sustain consistent growth as long as the moon colony exists.
Walmart (WMT): First Lunar Superstore
The first lunar Walmart Superstore was designed by former NASA engineers Michael Collins and Jim Lovell.
"We're envisioning a metallic structure capable of standing up to inhospitable conditions," said Collins. "It's going to have to be lined with aluminum to block most of the radiation and protect our goods, particularly the hydroponic produce."
"When we colonize the Moon," said Lovell, "we're going to go full blast. We'll need thousands of people to start and someone is going to have to feed them and keep them entertained. That's where Walmart comes in. The lunar Walmart - or Walmoon - is going to be incredibly important to the colonists."
Amazon (AMZN): Vows To Fight For Beyond The Solar System
According to anonymous reports, the top brass at Amazon was furious with the ruling by the Department of Commerce.
"We're better than them at everything and we are the future," said one Amazon executive. "Not only are we going to compete in the rest of the solar system, but after Elon Musk invents faster than light travel - FTL - we're going to dominate the universe. That brick-and-mortar dinosaur isn't going to stand in our way, I can promise you that."
Scientific Community Utters Collective Groan Focused Through Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Speaking on behalf of astrophysicists and cosmologists everywhere, America's scientific ambassador Neil DeGrasse Tyson was perplexed at the idea of retail in future human colonies in space this early in the game.
"Perhaps there will be a day when humans will be have established economies in outer space colonies," said DeGrasse Tyson. "That day, however, is far off. This seems a lot like putting the cart before the horse. More pressing issues exist. Early colonists are going to be too busy fighting to survive in what is essentially the most dangerous wasteland to go shopping at Walmart or buy stuff delivered by rocket drones from Amazon."