Yahoo! Internet Searches May Never Be The Same
SUNNYVALE, CALIFORNIA - Yahoo! (YHOO) shareholders are taking out all the stops in their reported pursuit of Grumpy Cat to take over as the tech giant's CEO.
With embattled Yahoo! CEO Marissa Meyer fighting to improve shareholder returns, a group of investors has banded together with their own ideas on leadership and the direction of the company.
"We've put out a petition to hire Grumpy Cat as CEO," said Kendall Whiskers, spokesperson for the Order of Invested Yahoolligans (OIY). "After considerable discussion we've determined that Grumpy Cat has the leadership, the experience, and most importantly - the temperament - to get the job done right."
Upon learning about the petition, Grumpy Cat was summoned to a press conference at which he appeared to be unusually grumpy. Grumpy Cat looked down at the gathered media from his scratching-post podium and appeared to scowl at the various questions coming from reporters.
The following is an excerpt from a statement later released by Grumpy Cat: "While I consider all business opportunities, I am not sure that the Yahoo! job is right for me. I'll let you know more after I meet with officials from Microsoft and Apple. "
Discussion about the possible shake-up at Yahoo! became heated on Squawk Box when Joe Kernen and Andrew Ross Sorkin started to debate Grumpy Cat's political leanings. While they agreed to disagree on which way the frowning feline leaned, both TV personalities concluded that Grumpy Cat could be a big player in the outcome of the 2016 elections and that any serious candidate should seek an endorsement.
"Grumpy Cat taking over at Yahoo! would be big news and I'd be interested in seeing how the markets would react," said Kernen, an unapologetic political conservative. "Above that, and this is looking a bit forward, what would be the impact - or fallout - if Grumpy Cat decided to get involved in the political process?"
"This is not just about business and technology," said liberal bleeding-heart Sorkin. "The entire fate of the free world may reside in what Grumpy Cat chooses to do over the next few months, and in how many more push-ups than Joe I'm going to do in our next segment!"