Aaron Rodgers: Gun For Hire
ARLINGTON, TEXAS - Just moments after their amazing playoff win over the Dallas Cowboys, the Green Bay Packers learned that their star QB Aaron Rodgers is considering a multi-million dollar deal with one of a handful of potential sponsors that is sure to cause controversy leading up to the NFC Championship game against the Atlanta Falcons next weekend.
Aaron Rodgers: The AR-12GB
Leading gun manufacturers gathered in Dallas to watch Rodgers sling the ball all over the field. Sturm, Rutger & Company ($RGR), Vista Outdoor ($VSTO), Cabela's ($CAB) and American Outdoor Brands ($AOBC), formerly Smith & Wesson, to scope out the possibility of signing Rodgers to a lucrative deal.
"Rodgers has quite the cannon," said P. James Debny CEO of American Outdoor Brands. "We'd love to model our new AR-12GB based on his mechanics and effortless rate of fire. The way he defeated the Dallas Cowboys with his arm and his legs was amazing."
Rutger & Company CEO Michael O. Fifer was also impressed with Rodgers' deft ability to avoid enemy fire and strike lethally, and accurately, downrange.
"He's everything we want in a next generation AR-12GB," said Fifer. "Just like the NFL, the world is dangerous. All you can ask for is safety, accuracy and reliability. That's what Aaron Rodgers brings to the table."
Jerry Jones Responds
After a devastating loss he would have perversely have liked Tony Romo to absorb, Jerry Jones graciously made himself available at the post-game press conference in the monstrosity of a stadium he built. When asked about his team's inability to keep up with Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers offense, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys was servile and cringing.
"We just couldn't do it today," said a tearful Jones. "We tried and I think that things might have been different if we had Tony Romo in there. One more hit might kill him, but it's all about winning and I know that Tony is willing to go to the grave for this franchise and I want to let him but people keep stopping me! They tell me that Dak Prescott is the future of the Dallas Cowboys, but I still think Tony has another ten years left in him. Oh, what am I going to do? Where is Al Davis when I need his advice? That being said, I have the utmost respect for Aaron Rodgers and he's earned the title of 'Gunslinger'."
Skip Bayless On Saloonicide Watch
Reports place former ESPN and current Fox Sports commentator Skip Bayless getting extremely drunk at a local saloon after watching his Dallas Cowboys wilt yet again in the playoffs.
"Shaggga sha gumoal," shouted Bayless with a crazed look in eyes. "Graagaa parkana goo."
Aaron Rodgers Loads Up
After his Green Bay Packers had a few moments to celebrate their hard-fought 34-31 win over the Dallas Cowboys in a classic playoff game, Rodgers was pressed on rumors of the new sponsorship.
"I had an answer for the Dallas Cowboys' defense," said Rodgers, "but I don't have an answer for you guys regarding the gun stuff. That's all talk. I just want to prepare for the Atlanta Falcons next week."
As for inspiration regarding the new AR-12GB, experts have pointed to an amalgamation of futuristic weaponry that is still in development.
Top 5 Mike & Mike Predictions
1. The Mike & Mike slobberfest over Matt Ryan, Aaron Rodgers, Dak Prescott and Ben Rothlisberger (if the Pittsburgh Steelers win) will be epic! The debate over if Rodgers is the greatest QB of all time will persist for days. If the Kansas City Chiefs win, the talk will go to what a great game manager Alex Smith is.
2. They will say that the win by the New England Patriots wasn't that impressive and that the Pats are right for the picking in the AFC Championship game.
3. They'll hawk some stupid shit and some good stuff, like Tommy John underwear. Note: I am not an affiliate, I just Iove their products. I'm not going to even link it here so you'll have to do the search yourself.
4. Mike Golic will intimidate Mike Greenberg, especially following the news that 'Greenie' will be leaving the show for greener pastures. The intimidation is more likely to be of a passive-agressive nature as Golic finds ways to mention his physical superiority.
5. Mason Crosby will be slurped as the greatest post-season kicker in NFL history after his dramatic 're-kick'. Does he deserve it?
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The Valley Report