Smart Technology For $200, Alexa
SEATTLE, WASHINGTON - Shares of Amazon (AMZN) have been on a tear for years now and the explosive growth does not show any sign of slowing down. With its Echo products, featuring Alexa, coastal elitists have enjoyed the integration of smart technologies into everyday life, but surveys show that much of middle America feels left out of the party.
Ground Control To Jim Bob
In a conference call on Monday, Amazon's CEO Jeff Bezos discussed plans to target people in the middle of the country who may feel left out of the cloud computing and smart home craze as they may feel alienated by Alexa's sultry, liberal voice.
"After going through our data we found that people from the so called 'flyover states' are using the Echo much less than people on the coasts," Bezos said. "We're planning to offer another version of Alexa themed to these consumers."
The new AI personality will reportedly be named Jim Bob and his personality will be modeled after comedian Jeff Foxworthy.
"We think this will be a smash hit with the middle of the country," added Bezos. "Mr. Foxworthy is currently voice sampling at our studio and we should be able to have the finished AI by the second quarter of 2017."
Amazon (AMZN) Not A Laughing Matter
"I'm known for being really funny," said Foxworthy, "but I'm not going to be doing any jokes. I'm going to speak in plain, folksy English that regular people can relate to."
Foxworthy added that he was honored to be selected after Amazon's extensive vetting process, boasting that he beat out Sarah Palin and Randy Quaid.
So far, the company reports, only five commands for Jim Bob have been integrated into the new AI:
1. "Jim Bob, get me a 12-pack of Schlitz!"
2. "Jim Bob, get me tickets to NASCAR 'round these parts!"
3. "Jim Bob, get me a new deep-fryer!"
4. "Jim Bob, get me banjo lessons!"
5. "Jim Bob, get me a case of Skoal!"
For a look at some of the actual capabilities of Amazon Echo devices, check out the video below:
Opining About Amazon's (AMZN) Original Programming
You've had some decent original shows, Amazon, but not enough. Sure, The Man in the High Castle is amazing, but the rest of the schlock is just that . . . schlock. Fortunately, I have an idea for you that you can trot out there against Netflix's ($NFLX) Stranger Things or any number of superhero shows they toss out there to massive acclaim.
Adapt The Last of Us. It's a video game with a compelling story, great characters and a devoted fan base. It's one of the most immersive games ever made and people have actually reported crying at different parts of the story (yeah, a little nuts, I know). I can't see the episodes being much more expensive than episodes of The Walking Dead. From what I've read a The Last of Us movie is in development hell. I'm sure you could swoop in and grab the rights without breaking a sweat. Even better, having 10 episodes to flesh-out a great story is way better than trying to shoehorn it into 88 minutes.
Get The Last of Us and give us 10 episodes. That will cover the entire game and you'll probably have the option of continuing the story.
To honor 'Echo', enjoy some Sloth from The Goonies below:
To hear Amazon Echo's new voice of the people, here's some Jeff Foxworthy:
End of transmission.
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