Battered Stock Set For Big Comeback
PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA - With the recent drop in crude many of the highest-yield dividend stocks in the energy sector have taken a relentless beating.
Atlas Resource Partners (ARP) reported a new oil field located directly under their Pittsburgh-based headquarters which has energized their investor base and redefined Greek mythology.
"It's a pretty remarkable story," said Edward Cohen, CEO of Atlas Resource Partners. "Outside our corporate headquarters we have a relatively large statue of Atlas. During a recent storm the 20,000-pound ball the statue held over its head was dislodged and crashed into the ground. Within a matter of minutes oil was shooting up like a geyser from the impact crater."
Geologists were immediately called in to map the find and discovered the potential haul could be greater than the combined reserves of Iraq, Iran, and Saudi Arabia combined.
"This is truly a find of epic proportions," said Maxwell Darling, Director of Operations at Shrugged Discoveries, a company engaged in finding and mapping out potential reserves. "This find alone could make the United States independent from foreign oil in just a few months, once the extraction efforts start."
Darling added that Atlas' headquarters would have to be leveled in order to ready the site for an extensive drilling effort.
"I've never seen anything like it," said Tally Woodson, who lives just down the road from Atlas. "One second the sky was clear and the next there was black gold spurting up all over the place."
Daniel Day Lewis, still in character from his role as Daniel Plainview in There Will Be Blood, was seen stalking around Philadelphia looking to inflict pain on anyone he encountered.