$BAC Cites Regulatory Burdens, Angry Customers As Reason For Plummeting Share Prices
CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA - Bank of America ($BAC) announced that it is closing its corporate headquarters and all of its 5,000+ branches in the United States and is relocating to China.
Bank of No'Murica
Bank of America, one of the largest banking institutions in the United States is closing up shop and heading for what company insiders have dubbed 'greener pastures'.
"We just need a fresh start," said Bank of America CEO Brian T. Moynihan. "At first we were going to double down on patriotism and rebrand our bank as 'Bank of 'Murica'. Over time, however, it proved to be easier just to cut and run."
"China is going to be good for us," said Rudy Gammons, PR Director for Bank of America. "The regulatory burdens we face, like not being able to dick our customers over at maximum value is really cutting into our profit margins. The angry customer situation isn't too fun either. I'm wondering when they're going to bring torches and pitchforks to our front door. Hopefully, it happens after the move. On the bright side, with oil prices so low we're going to be able to move all our branches over there brick-by-brick."
Five minutes later Gammons learned his position was going to be outsourced to a Chinese worker making 30 cents per day.
"F*&k Bank of America," Gammons screamed, throwing his tie to the ground.
News of the relocation sent Bank of America shares tumbling and many investors are wondering when, if ever, the bleeding will stop.
Bank Of America Outlook
"What is going to happen to my shares?" asked Frank Frist, a longtime Bank of America investor. "This whole thing seems insane to me. When is this nightmare going to end?"
Patty McPatrick has traded options on Bank of America for five years. "This is not looking good," he said. "I've already heard that they're going to put suicide nets around the new Bank of America HQ like they do at Foxconn. But there are so many potential customers in China to assess ridiculous fees that this might be good for the stock in the long run."
"The optics on this move aren't very good," said Peter Ray Gladstone, writer at The Street. "What happens if Citibank or Chase goes next? A lot of really fine American bankers will lose their jobs and the banking industry will suddenly have a bad reputation."