BEDFORD, MASSACHUSETTS - With the recent success of HBO's hit series Westworld putting the spotlight on robots, androids, and other synthetic life-forms, shocking revelations from iRobot Corp ($IRBT), one of the premiere robotics companies in the world, indicates that superstar basketball player Russell Westbrook is actually a robot.
NBA: Nothing But Androids
"I can't be silent anymore," said lead iRobot engineer Rick Deckard. "I've always been a huge basketball fan and I wanted to make the perfect player."
Deckard went on to say that as a Boston Celtics fan, his plan backfired, allowing the then Seattle Supersonics to draft Westbrook. The franchise subsequently moved to Oklahoma and was rebranded as the Oklahoma Thunder.
"If you look at his history, he was just a 3-star prospect," added Deckard. "He wasn't heavily recruited by anyone. We wanted him to fly under the radar, but his programming was so magnificent that even after good, but not stellar college seasons at UCLA, he was picked fourth overall in the 2008 NBA Draft. I wanted him to fall to the end of the first round, maybe even the early part of the second round - both spots the Celtics could have drafted him. He's powered by a dual-core uranium micro-cell, which is why he never gets tired no matter how much he exerts himself."
Company Denies Knowledge
Colin Angle CEO of iRobot, denied any knowledge of the triple-double machine having been created in his company's laboratory.
"We went back and looked through the security logs," said Angle. "Rick [Deckard] secretly went into the lab every evening to work on the RW-O. We're amazed that he was single-handedly able to create such an amazing robot, which is why he hasn't been fired as of yet."
Controversy Between iRobot And The Oklahoma City Thunder
Lawyers for both Oklahoma City and iRobot began arguments on who Russell Westbrook actually belongs to. Legal analysts say that if he's not actually a human being, iRobot theoretically owns him.
"This is going to be quite a mess," said famed lawyer Alan Dershowitz. "If Russell Westbrook is in fact a robot, he does not have any rights whatsoever. Does your toaster have rights? How about your refrigerator?"
Attorney Benjamin Crump argued that even if Russell Westbrook was a robot, he did not belong to anyone.
"It's obvious that Russell Westbrook is a sentient being," said Crump. "He is married to a beautiful woman and is involved with his community more than most non-robots are. If anything, he's 'trans-human', and deserves to be treated like any other person in regards to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."
Outcry In Cleveland
Once the news hit the mainstream media, fans of the Cleveland Cavaliers were terrified that LeBron James, arguably the best player in the world, is also a robot.
"LeBron James is bigger and stronger, that's for sure," said Dave Clayton, a long-time Cavs fan. "I'd be heartbroken if someone came and took him away."
"Sure, I burned his jersey when he left for the Miami Heat," added Arnold Peterson. "I feel bad for Oklahoma City fans. They've already lost Kevin Durant to the Golden State Warriors and free agency. I can't imagine how they'd feel if they lost Russell Westbrook to a robotics company."
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The Valley Report