Transformers 5: Dinobots Causing Commotion
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - Even though the planned release of the unnecessary Transformers 5 is more than a year away, Christians Against Dinosaurs (CAD) has already planned a protest of the popcorn movie to be.
Too Much Fiction
The leaderless movement appears to be helmed Kristen Auclair, who has produced viral videos as she attempts to prove that dinosaurs are a hoax perpetuated by 'Big Paleo'. While the anti-dino ministry has traditionally stuck to growing its web presence, plans are in the works to protest Transformers 5 for the inclusion of Dinobots.
"Dinobots are another form of dinosaur indoctrination by the heathens in Hollywood," said Auclair. "Robot dinosaurs are even more disgusting and ridiculous and you can bet that we're going to be on that like cartilage on bone. And that's why we are announcing the 'Christians Against Dinobots' march on Hollywood when Transformers 5 comes out."
Charlotte Bront, another member of Christians Against Dinosaurs, lamented earlier missed opportunities. "We weren't well organized when Transformers: Age of Extinction or Jurassic World came out," said Bront. "Now we're mobilized and our message is resonating with a tiny sliver of the population, many of them experiencing difficulties with reality testing. I'm proud to be at the forefront of this movement."
Michael Bay Responds
Directior Michael Bay, famous for his use of mind-bending special effects and unnecessary explosions wrapped around razor-thin plot lines and nonexistent character development was not bothered by the news of the planned protest of Transformers 5, currently in pre-production.
"People say that characters in my movies are soulless ghouls, but my movies keep making globs and globs of money," said Bay. "The Transformers franchise has been wildly successful even though most people think that what is happening on the screen is entirely indecipherable. Instead of criticizing my directing and the performance of the actors in my movies, people should take a hard look in the mirror and consider that they spend a lot of hard-earned money to go to the theater. And they're watching my work."
Pro-Dinosaur Factions Unite
Dinosaurs Against Christians Who Are Against Dinosaurs (DACWAAD) learned of the planned protest and called on their supporters and other pro-dinosaur groups to unite against this very real threat.
"Anyone who doesn't understand how important Dinobots are to other dinosaurs just doesn't get it," said Rob Betz, one of the admins for the group's Facebook page. "We're here to set the fossil record straight!"
"We can't allow fear to govern prehistoric history," said Rex Sauruson, PETDB's Executive Director. "We've reached out to other groups and are forming a massive counter-protest. Dinobots are definitely part of the fossil record and anyone that says differently is a total crackpot."
Other groups expected to participate in the counter-movement include: Dinosaurs In Name Only (DINO), Fossils Under Constant Kaos (FUCK) and People For the Ethical Treatment of Dinosaur Bones (PETDB).
Christians Against Dinosaurs In Action: Fossils
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The Valley Report