Mad Money Has Never Been So Angry
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - Jim Cramer of CNBC's Mad Money fame announced sweeping changes to his flagship show, even though ratings have been strong.
"We had this big editorial meeting," said Cramer, with the sounds of doorbells, Cuckoo clocks, and other carnival noises booming in the background. "Everyone was there, even Swifty the janitor was invited in. It was a real serious meeting and we decided to switch the name of the show to Angry Money, among other radical changes coming through the pipeline."
Cramer proceeded to grab a yellow wiffle-ball bat, put his nose to the handle and began spinning around in circles. After a few dozen revolutions, Cramer appeared woozy.
"The market is very volatile," Cramer continued, somewhat off-balanced. "There are a lot of unhappy investors out there. Tons of them. We're going to add Dr. Grace Gathers from New York University as my co-host. Her resume is outstanding and I really think our viewers are going to enjoy her commentary on dealing with unfathomable financial rage."
"The idea to change the show's name to Angry Money came about rather organically," said Dr. Gathers. "We just looked out the window at the mob of pissed-off investors amassing around our building and it was a done deal."
As explained to TrendSmasher, Dr. Gathers will take calls from angry investors and try to calm them as Cramer paces around the stage ranting about whatever pops into his brain. The new format will be in place within the first two weeks of the new year, sources said.
"This is a win-win," said Snark Coffman, President of CNBC. "Despite what most people think, our first priority isn't to pacify our advertisers but to our viewers. That being said, these drastic changes to one of the most popular programs on our network will only serve to make the show stronger. Offering counseling to distressed investors is something that we know will help the average John and Jane, who may not have the same access to the markets as we do."