New York City, Washington D.C., Baltimore, Philadelphia Weigh Use Of Controversial Measure
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - With storms finished dumping snow all over the East Coast, the millions of impacted citizens have plowed into clean-up mode, however, some are pushing a dubious method to combat the fierce winter weather and to make sure it will never happen again.
Are Global Warming Machines The Answer?
"Global warming, even if the hoax is real, isn't something to be worried about," said John Coleman, founder of the Weather Channel and one of the most oft-cited opponents to climate change science by random people on the Internet. "I think these warming machines are a great idea. The Northeast has everything except year round warmth and sunshine. Imagine if New York City was 80-degrees in December all the time!"
CO2-4U, the company at the heart of the movement, proposes installing greenhouse gas generators all along the northeastern corridor which will warm the region and permanently change weather patterns.
"I think the global warming alarmists have scared everyone in the world except for the least educated people in the United States," said Ralph Coldstone, CEO of CO2-4U. "Since scientists are wrong sometimes, we need to start listening to the gut feelings of the deniers and other scientists who are paid off by competing interests! If we live in fear of certain doom then the climate will win!"
TrendSmasher reports that CO2-4U has already gotten the consent of thousands of residents in New York City and Philadelphia to install their GG-1 generators, which are extremely inefficient in terms of energy use on top of producing an immense amount of greenhouse gasses.
"We're giving these out for free," said Alex Gaston, CO2-4U's Director of Media Relations. "All we're asking for is some space in yards and even on rooftops. Once they're installed, our technicians will check on them once per month and we'll even reimburse excess money spent on electricity. The biggest thing we want our fellow deniers to know is that you're not just running a machine, you're making history and standing up to the establishment!"
Scientific Community Warns Of Danger
Bill Nye 'The Science Guy' had words of caution for CO2-4U and their consumer-enablers.
"This 'technology', if you can call it that, is as absurd as my bow-tie," said Nye. "I don't know what these people are thinking. If we don't solve climate change the ramifications will be extremely harmful to life on Earth."
"I don't understand the opposition," said Dr. James Hansen, now retired from the NASA Goddard Institute for Space Studies. "We have thousands of peer-reviewed studies that demonstrate the severity of climate change and the damage it will cause as we move forward. Denying all this data is like dousing yourself with gasoline and striking a match and hoping you won't ignite into a fireball!"
Former Senator, Vice-President, and Presidential candidate, Al Gore, could not resist jumping into the fray. Gore was aghast at the efforts of CO2-4U.
"This is an inconvenient technology, to say the least," said Gore, from his private jet on his way home to his 723-room mansion. "In addition to creating the Internet, I also created global warming, which you can research on the Internet!"
Regular People Speak Out On Climate Change
"I don't believe anything about climate change or global warming - or whatever they're gonna call it next," said Elmer Docrey. "I just know what I know, and that might not be too much, but it's more than nothing."
"I don't want my grandchildren to melt!" said Arnold Almonte.
"We should be drilling everywhere," August E. Pennington said, firing up his SUV. "I want to look outside my window and see fountains of oil in the distance. There's no reason those A-Rabs should be having all the fun!"
"Have you guys seen Venus lately?" asked Carol Wentworth.