Ousted VW CEO Martin Winterkorn Eyes Public Sector
FLINT, MICHIGAN - The water lead and Legionnaires' disease contamination crisis in Flint, Michigan may be coming to an end thanks to the quick thinking of Governor Rick Snyder and a helping hand from a former Volkswagen ($VW) CEO.
Get The Lead Out!
The residents of Flint, Michigan are currently living the script of a B-horror movie, but their woes appear to be nearing an end as Governor Rick Snyder announced that he is hiring former Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn as new Emergency Manager for the affected area.
"I am pleased to turn the keys of this crisis over to Mr. Winterkorn," said Governor Snyder. "Mr. Winterkorn has a long history of success at Volkswagen and I am sure that his expertise will either resolve the situation in Flint with exhaust and rear-view mirrors, or at worst, ensure that there are no people left to complain about it."
The cryptic statement was met with stunned silence from the media. During the uncomfortable silence, VW share prices plummeted another 4%.
"I am pleased to be here," said Winterkorn. "The job of Emergency Manager is very important and I will use my environmental experience to clean up this horrid mess. If there is one thing I learned during my tenure at Volkswagen, it is that you can cover up stuff for a few years, which should be enough time for the elected officials in this region to move on to other careers."
Flint Residents Express Two-Fold Outrage
"This is absurd," said Tonya Grayson, longtime Flint, Michigan resident. "We can't drink, shower or do anything with this water and our governor is putting the former head of a European car company in charge? I can't believe the nerve of this guy . . . and I voted for him!"
"Over the years a lot of the good American jobs in the auto industry were lost because foreign cars were made better and lasted longer," said Reggie Marks, owner of Marks Pub in Flint. "Now we have some guy who was fired for environmental mismanagement at a collapsing European car company riding in to save the day? This has to be some kind of joke."
Residents of Flint took to the streets to protest the new hire, but as soon as a light drizzle began, they instinctively ran for cover.
Don't Drink The Water
Investigations at the federal and state levels are ongoing, and most people are awaiting to see what low-level federal or state worker is tapped as scapegoat of the year.
"We'll find out who is responsible and hold him or her accountable," said Snyder. "You can rest assured that someone will face the music over this and it won't be me!"
Supporters of Governor Snyder believe there is plenty of blame to pass around.
"The EPA knew," said Daisy Waterblossom, a spokesperson for Governor Snyder. "Other people knew as well. We have to move on from the blame game and find a solution."
Cash Carson, Deputy Emergency Manager appointed by Snyder will stay on to help smooth out the rough edges of Winterkorn's transition.
"Look, the important thing to remember here is that we've got a tried and true professional on the job," said Carson. "Once Mr. Winterkorn gets to work there will be no doubt he was the right man for the job."
"I appreciate all the support I've received," said Winterkorn. "I assure the residents of Flint that I am on the job and they have nothing to worry about. Silverchair will be performing Tomorrow at a free concert tomorrow in Flint and I encourage all our residents to come out for the festivities. Free bottles of water will be available for everyone in attendance."