New Tech For Sharp Tongues
FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT - Throughout its storied history General Electric ($GE) has been at the forefront of technological innovation. Now, the massive conglomerate is working to combat bullshit and give people who don't have the ability to sense sarcasm a fighting chance in the modern world with the development of the BullshitMaster 5000.
Game of Snarks
Since the 2016 Presidential Election there has been a media firestorm concerning the proliferation of fake news. Facebook ($FB) appeared to get caught at the epicenter of the fake news-quake and the tech-darling responded with an end-user method to flag posts they are suspicious that could be fake news.
GE, however, is focusing its B.S.-fighting efforts on wearable tech that will help people negotiate used car salesmen, shady investment brokers, politicians, media outlets and many others, in the physical world.
"This tech has absolutely nothing to do with printed content," said Jeffrey R. Immelt, CEO of GE. "I realize all that fake news is a problem, but our system works on a 4,329 voice-inflection point system. You wear it and it sends biofeedback impulses when someone is being sarcastic within earshot. It works in conversation and while listening to live or recorded broadcasts."
All Shit-Stems Go!
The research team that built the prototype of the BullshitMaster 5000 claimed that they have back-tested the device extensively, noting that the gadget blared endlessly during recordings of all the Presidential debates.
"This thing is aces," said Ray Blanton, chief engineer at GE's consumer response division. "It detects bullshit and snark with 100% accuracy. We're expecting similar results when we test the device on tele-evangelists."
The team was optimistic that the first generation of the BullshitMaster 5000 would enter production by Q2 of 2017.
Concern From The Political Machine
Anonymous sources from within America's intelligence community reported "serious concern" over the technological breakthrough.
"When we're undercover, we have to lie," said one CIA agent. "This thing is going to basically eliminate a ton of espionage."
Representatives for President-elect Donald Trump were also concerned.
"I almost wish that Hillary had won," said a member of Trump's transition team. "This thing is going to sink his presidency unless he can get out in front and brand it as 'fake technology'."
"I'm glad she didn't win," said one of Hillary Clinton's top aides on condition of anonymity. "The BullshitMaster5000 is going to change politics forever."
"It won't be on the market until President Obama is well out of office," said a relieved Obama aide. "I'm not sure what politicians are going to do if bullshit is removed from the equation. I guess we'll find out."
All Media Outlets Spooked
When briefed about the accuracy and affordability of the BullshitMaster 5000, members of the media were alarmed and refused to comment on the record.
"We might have to shut down," said one long-time morning talk show host at MSNBC.
"I don't think it'll make much of a difference with our audience," chimed in a highly-rated TV host at Fox News.
"Everyone knows we're full of bullshit already," added an executive at CNN. "This changes nothing."
Unnamed representatives from the Libertarian Party were inconsolable after watching a demonstration of the BullshitMaster 5000.
"Most libertarians don't even really believe the stuff we talk about," said one prominent libertarian, wiping away tears. "I just don't know what we're going to do."
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The Valley Report