Hulk, Building Defenses At 200 West Street Reign Down Chunks Of Calamari
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - Goldman Sachs (GS) is the most prolific investment bank in the world and preparedness is one of the reasons it holds the top spot.
In a brazen attack, the king Vampire Squid from the North Atlantic threw itself at Goldman Sachs' lower Manhattan headquarters in a fit of complete rage. Onlookers reported the giant squid's blood-funnel knocking chunks of the historic building to the city streets.
Fortunately, Lloyd Blankfein paid top-dollar to retain the services of The Incredible Hulk, who came to the rescue of all the helpless investment bankers. "When we invested in The Hulk, we knew what we were getting," said Blankfein. "And he didn't disappoint."
"I don't do much contract work," said Dr. Bruce Banner, after his rage-induced transformation had subsided. "But Goldman Sachs is an American institution and I couldn't watch it go down the tubes due to some puny giant Vampire Squid!"
When asked if The Hulk needed the other Avengers to battle the giant Vampire Squid, Blankfein laughed. "We're bullish on The Hulk. He's green, as is the color of profit. Besides, we've been shorting Stark Industries for months now while telling our investors to go long in the company. Calling upon Tony Stark to come to our rescue would have been beneath us. Black Widow is a Communist, Hawkeye is weak, Thor is unreliable, and Captain America is just a bit too patriotic for our refined taste buds."
Matt Taibbi, who is the world's foremost Vampire Squidologist, was glad the creature was defeated, but offered words of caution. "Sometimes those who create monsters are doomed to be consumed by them."
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The Valley Report