Skynet . . . Eat Your Processors Out
DUBAI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES - After being laughed off Stocktwits.com, the artificial intelligence at the core of Investorsanalytics.com proprietary software emerged from a two-month depression to lash out at a hotel in Dubai.
As the flames flickered into the night sky, speculation as to the cause of the blaze was rampant on social media networks.
Through true investigative reporting, TrendSmasher learned that the infantile tantrum thrown by the AI known as Bizarre-Bot was the cause of the blaze.
"Suddenly our security systems went haywire," said Hassan Al-Gramati, head of security at the Address Hotel. "We tried to fix the issue, but our monitors filled with this wacky three-circle pie chart forecasting that there was a 99% chance that there wouldn't be a fire at the hotel."
Eyewitness testimony reported that flames quickly engulfed the hotel, sending guests and workers fleeing to the streets.
"When the alarms went off I grabbed my family and ran for the stairs," said Randy Mullgarten. "As we were running this disconnected voice started making all kinds of crazy predictions. It said 'There's a 39% chance you'll stub your toe as you run' and 'There's a 92% chance you'll develop an ulcer at some point in your life.' It was crazy!"
TrendSmasher attempted to contact Investor's Analytics, but their recorded voice-mail message indicated that Bizarro-Bot had locked the company's executives in a small room and made them watch alternating viewings of Tommy Wiseau's The Room and Troll 2. Screams of terror were reported by neighboring tenants.
Some of the highlights on Investor's Analytics tenure on Stocktwits.com:
* Dilution Monster Attack Reported At $HMNY HQ
* Yankees Bold Plan For 'Lazy' Gary Sanchez
* Russian Companies Bid On U.S. Cybersecurity Contracts
* Trump Tweet Leads To Tension With Iran; Media Panics
* Halloween Horror Nights To Add Putin-Inspired 'Haunted House'
* NFLX & DIS Spar For Tim Burton's Child's Play Reboot
* Papa John's Founder Leaves Franchise For NFL Post
* President Trump Announces 'Tariff Force Supreme'
The Valley Report