95.8% of Americans Can't Find Iowa On A Map
DES MOINES, IOWA - With the Iowa Caucus about to come and go, residents of The Hawkeye State prepare to slide back into obscurity and irrelevance.
98.9% of Iowans Can't Find Iowa On A Map
Every four years the media's political apparatus plunges its relevance-funnel into Iowa with incredible results. Suddenly, the rest of the United States seems to care about Iowa and what Iowans think. Incredibly, the importance of the Iowa Caucus is somewhat of a mistake in history. USA Today does a great job outlining this political aberration in a recent article.
While Iowans have relished the attention showered upon them, there is a dark underside to what happens when the media trucks flee the sparsely-populated state and trek back to civilization.
"We call it Iowa Caucus Depression," said Dr. Jeffrey Hollister, a Des Moines based psychiatrist. "Every four years the offices of mental health professionals are overwhelmed - right after the Iowa Caucus ends. It kinda turns into an Iowa Carcass, in terms of how Iowans feel."
Politicians Tend to Perform Fellatio On Corn Dogs At Iowa State Fair
The Iowa State Fair takes place in Des Moines, the state's most populated city, every year and sets the record for most deep-fried food consumed per 1,000 people. The Iowa State Fair has been so successful, that certain lawmakers want to change the state's nickname from 'The Hawkeye State' to 'The Deep-Fried State'.
Politicians on both sides of the aisle seem to go to great lengths to woo Iowa voters. Oftentimes, these efforts result in awkward pictures involving corn dogs at the Iowa State Fair. However, the state that proudly boasts being the birthplace of Ashton Kutcher and Elijah Wood, insists it is more than the birthplace of Ashton Kutcher and Elijah Wood.
"We've got a proud history here in Iowa," said Governor Terry Branstad. "We've got some great college sports teams, good people, and if you didn't know, both Ashton Kutcher and Elijah Wood were born right here in Iowa!"
Iowans Speak Out On Presidential Candidates
"Donald Trump all the way," said Lee Barrows of Iowa City. "He gets stuff done, unlike most of the political folk. Plus, you can't buy him off and he's gonna have his daughter give birth here so we won't have to brag about Ashton Kutcher and that Frodo guy no more."
"Bernie Sanders is my choice," said Alexandra Galloway, a student at Iowa State University. "College tuition should be free and Bernie is going to deliver on that promise!"
"Ted Cruz is my choice," said Loman Graves, an evangelical Christian from Arcadia. "He does the best job of mixing religion with an obvious incestuous relationship with Goldman Sachs."
"Hillary all the way," said Annette Flagler of Des Moines. "She is robotic and so am I . . . I . . . I . . . I."
TrendSmasher reports that the interview with Flagler had to be cut short in order for her to recharge her power cells and fix faulty circuits.
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The Valley Report