NFL: No Frontal Lobes?
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK - Due to negative fallout after the opening of the Will Smith movie Concussion, TrendSmasher reports that The National Football League (NFL) is considering a radical rebranding strategy to prove to fans and the medical community that they actually care about the well-being of football players.
NFL Owners Get 'Delirious'
Reports coming out of the most recent owners meeting indicate that between consuming ungodly amounts of caviar, frolicking around in the Scrooge McDuck-like NFL Money Bin, and doing nasty things with their Roger Goodell voodoo doll, the owners took several minutes of time out of their busy schedule to discuss player safety.
When the few minutes they devoted to the issue of player safety were up, the plan to change the meaning of NFL was announced.
"I wasn't supposed to be listening," said Mary Chinstrapper, a worker for Disposable Cleaning Personnel. "I'm responsible for scrubbing the stairs leading to the Money Bin they like to dive around in. But I heard them coming up with ideas to convince people they actually cared about all them boys playing football. They were smoking cigars and laughing up a storm! I couldn't believe what they came up with!"
Pietro Quill, another Disposable Cleaning Personnel employee is responsible for making sure the bathrooms are spotless. "They're not very nice to us, so if you think they're gonna help the players you need your head examined," he said. "My last name is Quill, like the main guy in Guardians of the Galaxy and they call me 'Toilet Lord'. I hate those bastards. And to rename the league what they chose? I'm speechless. If they're trying to raise awareness, the only awareness they raised is that they're a bunch of assholes."
Concussions Are No Laughing Brain Matter
"I was shocked when I heard this," said Dr. Bennet Omalu, played by Will Smith in Concussion. "Did they really think that this was some kind of positive message to send? The frontal lobes are in charge of a wealth of important neurological functions. Motor control, problem solving, memory, impulse control, social behavior. The list goes on and on."
Dr. Arnold Crane, Director of Jackson Memorial's Concussion Center, joined many of his colleagues in panning the NFL's reaction to the serious cognitive repercussions faced by athletes. "I don't know the owners personally. They could be nice people for all I know. What I do know is that their denial and treatment of players over decades has been deplorable."
Once the news was leaked, the NFL immediately went into damage control mode.
"There is no truth to the rumor that we are changing the 'National Football League' to 'No Frontal Lobes'." said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, visibly shaken. We care about our players and we're going to prove it somehow, someday. Until then, watch our amazing athletes smash away this playoff season and everyone get angry about deflated balls, like the ones our owners have."
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The Valley Report