Papa John's (PZZA): From Inedible Grease Wheels To The Gridiron
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY - The mood at Papa John's headquarters was somber as Founder, former CEO and current Chairman of the Board, John Schnatter stepped down after media reports that he used the N-word during a company conference call that sent the company's share price into a tailspin. Seeking redemption, Schnatter is reportedly considering bringing his people skills, business acumen and unparalleled empathy for others to America's most popular sport.
Papa John's (PZZA): Extra Saucy, Hold The Sleaze!
Papa John's (PZZA): The Prince Of Pizza Speaks
Schnatter was spotted by reporters standing transfixed, looking through the window of Ray's Pizza at the delicious offerings. When he was approached, Schnatter was reported mumbling "That's what it's supposed to look like" over and over again. After a few minutes, Schnatter appeared to snap out of his trance and turned to address the media.
"It's time to move on," said Schnatter, discussing his past controversies. "I'm ready for a new chapter of bungling sure things."
Papa John's (PZZA): NFL Players Union Blasts Move
In a blistering response to the announcement of Schnatter's hiring, Eric Winston, president of the NFL Players Association (NFLPA), called for Goodell to step down.
"This may be one of the most tone-deaf decisions Goodell has ever made, and that's saying a lot," said Winston. "It's like he's the one suffering from a lifetime of concussions. We have serious issues in our sport and it's time to tackle them. It isn't time to hire this Schnatter guy and it certainly isn't the time to debate pizza."
Papa John's (PZZA): Unless You're From A Place With Sucky Pizza, PZZA Is Not Really Pizza
And so the Great Pizza Debate of 2018 was born. However, it is abruptly ended when one views the pictures above. On the left, a delightful slice of New York pizza. On the right, a ghoulish entry from Papa John's. You can even see the lid from that disgusting sauce. The chain delivery places might be good in desperate times, but let's be honest . . . it's not real pizza.
Papa John's (PZZA): Fox News' Sean Hannity Deccries 'War On Pizza'
Resident Fox News airbag Sean Hannity was in near-hysterics over Schnatter's departure, but found a silver-lining in the idea his grease-peddling pal might be able to get involved with the National Anthem controversy, seemingly unaware that Schnatter had to step down as CEO in 2017 when his comments received high praise from white supremacist groups.
"These liberals in the deep state of the media apocalypse started the 'War on Pizza'. How dare they report what he said and how dare the free market react to it! That's not journalism. Journalism is twisting and contorting a person's words into a ball of rage you can throw at your viewers."
Papa John's (PZZA): MSNBC's Rachel Maddow Coins 'Pizzagate II'
Resident MSNBC gasbag Rachel Maddow was in snark-overdrive as she discussed the eerie similarities between Pizzagate and Pizzagate II.
"What's with conservatives and their pizza fetishes?" asked Maddow. "First the conspiracy with the pizza place in D.C. and now this. I'll tell you what, I am guessing that it is maybe possible that someone might know of a connection between Papa John's, Russia and the National Anthem. Pizza is red and everyone and everything involved is greasy."
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