Plumbing Sector Rejoices
FOXBOROUGH, MASSACHUSETTS - With the Houston Texans set to visit the New England Patriots in what most experts agree will be the most lopsided playoff game in the history of all sports, the probability of low ratings (aside from rabid Patriots fans and masochists) is incredibly high. To generate more enthusiasm for football fans everywhere, the NFL has announced a pilot strategy to name individual playoff games as with college bowl games.
The Chemed 'Toilet Bowl'
Roger Goodell, Commissioner of the NFL, was all smiles as he announced the one game partnership between Chemed Corp ($CHE) and the National Football League.
"This is a great moment for our sport," said Goodell. "In selecting Chemed for this illustrious honor, we've picked a partner that represents the product that will be on the field. In addition, there will be massive toilet bowls set up on the sidelines and if anyone hits Tom Brady late, they will be dunked in the bowls instead of a traditional 15-yard penalty. We're going to make the Chemed Toilet Bowl an event to remember, even though we're positive the game will be a one-sided pulverization."
Kevin J. Mcnamara, Chemed's CEO, was equally bullish on the opportunity.
"This is great for our company," boasted Mcnamara. "Most people don't know that we're one of the leading plumbing supply companies in the United States. We own the Roto-Rooter brand and we're going to be Roto-Root-Root-Rootin' for the Texans to pull of the impossible upset."
Tom Brady Charmin The Media
TrendSmasher caught up with New England Patriots' star QB Tom Brady as he was heading into Gillette Stadium to prepare for a drubbing of the Houston Texans.
"The 'Toilet Bowl' sounds about right," said Brady. "I'm going to have to wipe my ass with their secondary. We're considering not throwing one pass all game. Coach Belichick tossed out the idea of kneeling three times each possession and then punting to see if our defense can win the game outright."
Brock Osweiler Texas Stranger
Many sports experts have compared the Houston Texans luring Brock Osweilier away from Denver to taking a pile of millions of dollars, pouring kerosene all over it, and then igniting the pile into an epic conflagration.
"They're right," said Osweilier, who will have the daunting task of facing off against the New England Patriots defense in a playoff game at Foxborough. "I've had a rough season this year but I'm confident in my ability to blow out the Pats on Saturday. With my accurate arm and sound decision-making, they have no chance!"
Lock Of The Century
Las Vegas isn't too worried about this one said TrendSmasher's bookmaking expert Herb 'Ten Fingers' Greenvelvet.
"This is the lock of all time, as far as NFL playoff games go," said Herb Greenvelvet. "It doesn't help you if you're playing with peanuts, but if you sack up and dump $10K on the Pats to win outright, you'll walk away with a cool $555.56. Sure, it's a lot to put out there for a small reward, but it's guaranteed."
Herb's brother, Johnny 'Two-Fingers' Greenvelvet had a different take on the game and chided his brother.
"He thinks he's better than me because he has all his fingers," said Johnny Greenvelvet. "There are no guarantees in life. I'm not guaranteed to keep my remaining two fingers after I put it all on the Texans to win outright. I'm going for it. $10K gets me over $100K in winnings. I'll finally be able to afford that finger-replacement surgery."
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The Valley Report