Tariff Force: Engaged!
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Just weeks after the White House announced the creation of the U.S. Space Force, President Donald Trump ordered the 'Tariff Force' into existence with a stroke of his mighty pen. With the markets on shaky ground due to tit-for-tat tariff strikes between the United States and allies and adversaries, experts argued for some action to be taken in order to establish financial stability and quell mounting investor fear.
Move Over Space Cadets . . . Tariff Sheriffs Are Here
According to TrendSmasher exclusive sources, the Tariff Force Supreme (TFS) will draw heavily from Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) due to the fact that ICE employees are already familiar with making people accept terrible things against their will.
"I've been in the meetings," said an anonymous White House source, "The idea is that if you can take kids away from their parents without batting an eye, it would be really easy to enforce tariffs."
The plan, according to leaks from high-level cabinet meetings on tariff enforcement, would be to deputize "Tariff Sheriffs" and send them to other countries in order to disrupt their ports and also to sabotage the cargo vessels of uncooperative partners while their ships traverse the world's shipping lanes.
Shipping Companies Paralyzed With Fear
DryShips (DRYS), one of the biggest investor punching bags, is reportedly troubled by the establishment of the Tariff Force Supreme.
"How are we supposed to keep diluting our stock and reaching our goal of creating one million bagholders?" asked George Economou, CEO of DryShips. "If we have to defend against the Tariff Force Supreme and its expertly-trained Tariff Sheriffs, that leaves less time for reverse splits and the usual antics our detractors use to discredit our upstanding and reputable business!
"I have nothing to add to what Mr. Economou said," offered Top Ships (TOPS) CEO Evangelos J. Pistiolis. "The concerns are real. Dealing with Somali pirates was difficult enough."
The League Of Shipping Everywhere: EGLE, DSX & SB
"After all I did for North Korea and United States relations, this is the perfect spot for me," said Rodman. "I was known for my ferocious defense when I played basketball. We're going to build up the defensive capabilities of our ships so that the Tariff Force Supreme will have to think twice about meddling."
Pirate Commander: Tariffs Walk The Plank
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