Mum About Yum! Brands
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY - Rumors that YUM! Brands (YUM) is considering investing in cutting-edge technology that will give customers of their popular fast-food franchises the opportunity to experience eating without eating have set the Internet ablaze.
Tom YUM! Goong
Virtual In-Digestion, Inc., based out of Bangkok, Thailand, has pioneered a new virtual reality technology that allows consumers to experience stomach aches, pain, and severe abdominal cramping without actually consuming food that causes intestinal discomfort.
"We call it 'Achieve Colonic Hurt Existentially' or ACHE," said Boon-Nam Kwok, President and CEO of Virtual In-Digestion, Inc. "This is a revolutionary technology that will allow users to fulfill a fast-food experience without eating fast food."
Lead engineer for Virtual In-Digestion, Inc., Poonlarp Jatusripitak, was proud of his company's achievement. "We've ushered in a new age of consumer experiences and this technology is perfect for Americans because they consume so much garbage disguised as food."
There Is No Food
As if plucked from the science-fiction modern classic The Matrix, ACHE technology involves users laying down in a cylindrical tube and wearing specially-designed virtual reality glasses. The chassis of the tube directs specially-modified sound waves at the users abdomen.
"In just two minutes the user will begin to feel full," said Jatusipitak. "Less than a minute after that, he or she will experience a mild stomach ache. The longer the person stays inside ACHE the more intense the pain will become."
TrendSmasher called on famed economist Joseph Stiglitz to quantify the possible economic savings based on this new technology.
"It's quite interesting," Stiglitz said. "From my calculations, this could save consumers over $200B annually in savings on health care expenditures. We're going to have to wait and see how it plays out, but I'm optimistic that the results will be economically favorable."
Test Subject Review
Elroy P. MacCantily, from Mobile, Alabama, accepted the company's invitation to test ACHE over a period of two-weeks.
"I was addicted to fast food," said a tearful MacCantily. "ACHE has given me my life back. Instead of gorging myself into misery, I just take a ten-minute siesta in my machine and I'm good to go. It hurts and all, but I've lost 80 pounds in a short period of time and I'm not stopping until I'm the size of a regular human being."
YUM! Denies Connection To ACHE
"This is ludicrous," said YUM! Brands CEO Greg Creed. "The idea that we'd even consider using bulky tubes to artificially create indigestion for our customers is incredibly insulting. We'll wait and see if the company can reduce the size of the machines."
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The Valley Report