Big Box Detox
HOFFMAN ESTATES, ILLINOIS - Storied big box retailers Sears ($SHLD) and J. C. Penney ($JCP) have been shelled in recent years due to online retailers taking a big box bite out of their sales - and their uninspiring, depressing stores. Even with bad news abound and crashing stock prices, both companies are determined to not be labeled the worst retail chains in the United States.
A Matter of Pride
"We're determined to go out of business after J. C. Penney," said Edward Lampert, CEO of Sears. "We're not going to win this race to the bottom, but we are going to come in second!"
Sears insiders told TrendSmasher that despite the company's determination to not be the worst retailer in the world, they don't have much of a plan to right the ship enough to be slightly better than their lackluster competitor.
"I just don't see how we're going to not be as bad as [J. C. Penney]," said one anonymous insider, fearful of the potential wrath of Lampert if his name were ever revealed. "I can't come out publicly because I fear for the life of my cat, Mr. Plush Mittens."
J. C. Penney CEO, Marvin Ellison, was optimistic that his company would outlast their main competitor.
"We've got a better chance than that mess," Ellison said confidently. "Just take a look at our stores: they are slightly better than what Sears trots out there."
Analysts Prepare Eulogies
Evercore ISI analyst Rick Grimes rated sears as a "turd sandwich" in a recent report, while calling J. C. Penney a "giant douche".
"These companies are the epitome of 'The Shopping Dead', " added Grimes. "I'm preparing my speech for the upcoming funerals. Which one will drop dead first?"
IHL Group's Glenn Rhee was equally pessimistic in his assessment. "The performances of these retailers is akin to someone getting their brains bashed in with a baseball bat wrapped in barb wire. I'm going to try to be kind at the funeral, after all, these companies have been consumer staples for generations. They deserve some respect."
Stocktwits Users With Unkind Things To Say
Users of the popular 'investor Twitter' Stocktwits have the torches and pitchforks ready as the two former retail giants circle the drain to total obliteration.