Screening Genes For Green
CARLSBAD, CALIFORNIA - Shares of Signal Genetics ($SGNL) shot up over 250% on exciting news that the company has developed yet another proprietary genetic test to screen out rare genetic conditions. In addition to a reverse merger with miRagen Therapeutics which created the feeding frenzy, this new test will be invaluable to traders and investors for decades to come.
Signaling Big Profits
Samuel D. Riccitelli, President and CEO of Signal Genetics, was pleased with the miRagen deal, but warned investors to not overlook their new innovative screening technology.
"We've focused a lot of our work on diagnosing multiple myeloma," said Riccitelli, "but it is our new sequencing procedure, the TrADePrft genome test that is really going to make investors happy."
Researchers for Signal Genetics have discovered a sequence of genes on the AdX45pSar chromosome that predicts with 99% accuracy whether or not a day trader will be a profitable trader.
"This is really exciting," said Riccitelli. "For the first time, people will be able to find out if they're just throwing their money away before they decide to throw their money away."
Goldman Sachs Worried
TrendSmasher caught up with Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs as he was feeding his giant pet vampire squid globs of kobe beef.
"This is a very troubling development," said Blankfein. "Who are we going to get to buy the garbage we're shorting?"