Hollywood usually does a good job in producing movies related financial crises and the investment world in general. There have been more than a few occasions where the efforts have fallen short of a pretty high standard. Without further ado, let's get into the Top Five Worst Investing Movies.
5. Quicksilver (1986) - Seven Degrees Of Investing Desperation
It's hard to dislike anything Kevin Bacon is in. He's a likeable guy and he's had an epic career. In all fairness to Bacon, Quicksilver (1986), an absurd financial romp about a New York City bicycle courier who lost his investing mojo and fights to get it back with a little help from his friends, wasn't completely terrible. It's got some 1980s glory that makes it somewhat watchable, even though it's pure garbage compared to the bulk of investing movies.
The way Bacon traded made you think he had the supernatural ability to mentally control the stocks he was investing in was pretty epic. The finale wasn't much different than watching the last game of Major League between the Cleveland Indians and the dreaded New York Yankees. The climactic scene in the pit would have to be reimagined for today's investing audience. Instead of the kinetic frenzy of the pit, you'd have some guy in his undies eating hot pockets next to his computer dancing and carrying on like he just won the Super Bowl.
Some great taglines from Quicksilver:
Winning is a feeling you never lose.
Speeding towards the final -- and deadly -- showdown...
Kevin Bacon is Jack Casey. He traded in his three-piece suit for a ten-speed and the streets.
For Jack Casey, playing the market was life in the fast lane... until he joined QUICKSILVER where the fast lane was a way of life!
4. Money Monster (2016) - This One Made No Money
Where to start with this epic bomb? Money Monster (2016) had a great cast and a marginally interesting premise. However, the script was lackluster and the top-heavy cast couldn't save the ship from sinking. George Clooney is a Jim Cramer knock-off that is held hostage because the investments he whimsically toted as being solid gold blew up in the face of one of the little guys.
Julia Roberts plays his producer and the pretension is high in this one. Blaming the schmendrick on T.V. for the goings on of the financial world is like blaming cancer for being bad. It's total garbage and is only barely worse than the rest of the films on this list.
Some great taglines from Money Monster:
Not every conspiracy is a theory.
Answer or die.
On the air. Out of time.
Who's in control?
Anyone who can get out, get out right now.
3. Rogue Trader (1999) - If you thought the Star Wars prequels were bad . . .
Ewan McGregor wasn't the reason his vehicle Rogue Trader (1999) was a total disaster. McGregor is a competent actor that cannot (aside from a few cringe-worthy lines) be blamed for the Star Wars prequel debacle. No, what did in Rogue Trader was the derivative plot and the terrible script. In this investing turd, McGregor plays a hard-to-root-for douchebag trying to stake his claim to fortune and glory. If you want to feel excruciating pain, watch the trailer below.
Some taglines from Rouge Trader:
Money isn't for greedy people
He'll risk everything to beat the system!
2. Assault On Wall Street (2013)
Uwe Boll is to film-making as what Bernie Madoff is to good financial advice and trustworthiness. Assault On Wall Street (2013) is an awful movie starring Dominic Purcell (D.C.'s Legends of Tomorrow) as the ultimate 'little guy' hell-bent on getting back at the system that screwed him and everyone and everything that he ever loved.
As usual, his acting is terribly robotic, but there are some funny scenes as well. More than any other movie ever made, this is the consummate 'I hate Wall Street movie'. Uwe Boll makes Michael Bay look like Akira Kurosawa.
One tagline from Assault On Wall Street:
Power. Greed. Justice.
1. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010)
The worst for last . . . as it should be. Despite famed director Oliver Stone manning the sequel to his acclaimed 1987 hit Wall Street, the second installment proves to be an irredeemable and tedious bore. Michael Douglas is back, this time dealing with Shia Lebouf who is donking his way to fortune and glory armed with a nice haircut and a confused expression. Totally unnecessary tripe. The title Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps should have been reconfigured. Wall Street: Audiences Are Sleeping might have been a more fitting title.
One tagline from Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
Gordon never gives up.
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