'Gorky Grub' To Hit U.S. Shelves Early Next Year
HELSINKI, FINLAND - With the widely-ridiculed Helsinki Summit between President Donald Trump and Dark Overlord Vladimir Putin in the rear-view, reports of an agreement between the two leaders has begun to circulate. Initial reports do not hint at an agreement about nuclear weapons or on election meddling, but something both leaders think everyone can agree on.
Walmart (WMT), Kroger (KR) & Costco (COST): Already Expecting High Demand
Gorky Grub is advertised as a high-quality Russian slurry with all the proteins, vitamins and minerals a growing baby needs to thrive. In an unprecedented olive branch by Putin, Trump graciously accepted the offer to become the new logo and spokesperson for the slop produced by Gorky Grub, a subsidiary of Putin's Kompromat Enterprises. President Trump also reportedly agreed to let the four distinct flavors of Gorky Grub into the U.S. without any tariffs or penalties.
Costco (COST) CEO Craig Jelinek was blown away at the consumer interest in Gorky Grub. "My assistant called me and told me the phones were blowing up about this new Russian baby food," said Jelinek. "We inquired and were offered an amazing deal on massive bulk orders for all of our stores."
Rodney McMullen, CEO of Kroger (KR) seemed to be in the same boat. "The number of people from Alabama demanding we stock this product is astounding."
Walmart's (WMT) CEO, Doug McMillon, was certain Gorky Grub is going to be a giant hit. "If it's endorsed by President Trump we're positive that roughly 30% of our customers will buy it constantly, no matter how disgusting the taste or how much their infant wails at the smell of the slurry."
Baby Food Experts Warn Trump
Dr. Anthony Gerber-Beech, one of the foremost experts on baby food in the world, was in an outrage over the exclusive agreement reported by TrendSmasher.
"I told President Trump that we cannot trust Russian baby food," said Dr. Gerber-Beech. "From what my connections have told me, one of the main ingredients in 'Gorky Grub' comes directly from Russian natural gas extraction waste products."
Diane Bottle, spokesperson for Amazon's (AMZN) Whole Food's stated that the company would not be carrying Gorky Grub, unless it received approval by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).
"I don't think this slurry fits in with our mission at Whole Foods," said Bottle, "but if it is deemed safe, we'll take a look at it. After all, half the stuff in our stores looks kind of weird. Have you ever seen quinoa? It looks like albino rat droppings! Ewww!"
Trump & Putin Respond To Gorky Grub Deal
"I invite your baby food experts to come to Moscow," said Putin through his KGB-trained interpreter. "Come and see how great Gorky Grub really is. They can interview our twelve top scientists and determine that I am telling the truth as I always do."
Gorky Grub: Four Groundbreaking Flavors
Initially, Gorky Grub will feature four distinct flavors.
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The Valley Report