Tech Giants (MSFT, AAPL, GOOG) Involved In Bidding 'Squirmish'
WASILLA, ALASKA - For some time Sarah Palin had been out of the public spotlight, but when the ex-governor of Alaska memorably endorsed President Donald Trump and was even floated as a possible cabinet selection, she was mainlined back into the American consciousness. With Palin back in the game, tech giants Microsoft (MSFT), Apple (AAPL), and Google (GOOG) became locked in a bidding war that will change artificial intelligence forever.
Shrill Baby, Shrill!
TrendSmasher reports that executives from Microsoft, Apple, and Google are wooing Sarah Palin with extravagant offers for the rights to use her voice in their computing applications.
"We constantly seek to push the envelope with our products and services," said Satya Nadella, CEO of Microsoft. "Cortana has been a big hit and with Sarah Palin's voice powering her reach, there is no limit on how we can be perceived by our customers."
In addition to wanting Palin's voice for Cortana, Microsoft is already planning verbiage alternations to meet the new tone.
"This is extremely exciting," said Microsoft's Lead Developer, Damian Richardson. "We already assembled a focus group and we're testing some user-friendly questions and phrases such as 'Do you want to quit?' and 'Do you want to hopey and changey applications?' But my personal favorite has to be 'You can see your applications from wherever you are!'"
Siri Strikes Back
Apple envisions taking Siri one step further with a 'Palin Word Salad' application. The new app will enable users to translate any information as if it had actually been spoken by Sarah Palin. This includes spoken words, documents, and even entire websites.
"We view this revolutionary technology as something really special," said Tim Cook, CEO of Apple. "Not only is Sarah Palin's voice universally recognizable, but it conveys a sense of intellectualism that cannot be accurately defined."
According to industry insiders, Apple is offering a generous compensation package including use of their fleet of helicopters should the former governor want to hunt wolves from the sky.
Google was late to the negotiating table, however, the omnipresent tech-giant refused to be left in the dust.
"We're offering Sarah Palin generous stock options, a bag of money, and a high-ranking position if she would just endorse us as the officer provider of her voice to the masses," said Sundar Pichai, Google's CEO. "Imagine that each and every time, until the end of humankind, you speak in to your device and are answered with the musical quality of Governor Palin's voice. The possibilities are endless."
Smaller Companies Look To Make A Big Splash
GPS manufacturers and GPS application providers are also looking to get in on the action, but are at a serious financial disadvantage going up against the larger players in the space.
Garmin (GRMN) took the lead in this domain by reaching out to Microsoft, Apple, and Google, aiming for a licensing deal that could bring Palin's voice to the company's stand-alone devices.
"We see this as a unique opportunity, especially in light of smartphone applications cutting into our business," said Clifton A. Pemble, CEO of Garmin. "Customer feedback suggests our programmed voice options are a little bland
Garmin provided a sample transcript of what Sarah Palin-infused directions might sound like:
New York Stock Exchange (11 Wall St, New York, NY 10005) to Empire State Building (350 5th Ave, New York, NY 10118)
1. "Why dontcha take a rooten-tooten right from Statist Street onto the socialisticy FDR Drive."
2. "Head on down yonder a bit and look at those New York Values in action, for there isn't anything that is nothing unless, also, and yes."
3. "Don't proud-clingin' to Depression Drive for too long and swoop on through exit 8."
4. "Take that gosh-darnit service road, which doesn't make sense because and but we like to ask, where is the service?"
5. "Make sure you pass by some stores and (unintelligible gibberish) take E 35th Street until you see that big tall building made by builders and job creators."
6. "Now it's quittin' time and be sure to make sure your 'Murican car is locked because in New York City, there are people 'round who might want to, you know, take your stuff!"