New Name Of Historic Washington Franchise Rocks Political Establishment
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Washington Redskins failed to make the playoffs this season and one of the big topics swirling around the nation's capital isn't a new incoming President, but the long-debated name of one of the NFL's most historic franchises.
Dan Snyder Capitulates
Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL football team formerly known as the Washington Redskins, made a surprise announcement attempting to steal some of the media spotlight from the league's hugely popular Wild Card Weekend after his team collapsed itself out of the playoffs.
"After pressure from Native Americans, political activist groups, and input from NFL fans in general, I am begrudgingly changing the name of the beloved Washington Redskins," said Snyder. "Before I announce the new name of the Washington Redskins, I would like to say a few things. This is an example of political correctness going way too far. We have to look at ourselves in the mirror and determine if this is the way we want society to react to any kind of controversy."
The media summoned to the surprise press conference tried to ask Snyder some questions, but he cut them off.
"We narrowed the Redskins' new name down to four possibilities: The Washington Concussions, The Washington Scandals, The Washington Impeachers, and The Washington Crackers. I am pleased to announce that we have chosen The Washington Crackers as the new name for our franchise. We've also partnered with Ritz and came up with an idea for our new mascot: Mr. Saltine."
Snyder then took a deep breath and exhaled sharply. "I hope you fuckers are happy," he added.
White People Irate
"This is outrageous," said Danforth L. Warburton III, "My people have a long history of conquering foreign lands and plundering natural resources. We don't deserve this kind of indignity."
Arnold McWhitey, head of the D.C. chapter of the Ku Klux Klan had steam coming out of his ears from under his hood. "I'm not going to stand for this and neither are my fellow Klansmen. We're going to march on Washington and demand change!"
Native American Response
Ronnie Fairweatherfan, a Cherokee Tribal Elder, was perplexed with the decision. "We didn't want the name to be changed to marginalize another culture, just to stop pushing this harmful stereotype. Either way, I'm a Green Bay Packers fan and I'm glad that the Washington Crackers didn't make the playoffs. Couldn't happen to a nicer team."
Donald Trump Addresses Hoopla
"Political correctness in this country has gone too far," said President-Elect Trump said. "I was elected to make this nonsense all go bye-bye, believe me. Once I'm sworn in I'm going to use my power to rename the team the Washington Trumps and I'm going to destroy the NFL because of what they did to me and the USFL all those years ago. Believe me, what goes around will come around in a Donald J. Trump presidency."