Foreclosed Mall Once Valued At 190M  SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA - Wells Fargo ($WFC) announced that it had purchased the Galleria at Pittsburgh Mills, a foreclosed shopping mall in Pennsylvania for the vast sum of $100.00. According to details Wells Fargo was the only bidder in the auction. Criticism of the deal spread quickly as many commenters took to social media to voice their opinions. Wells Fargo tried to get out in front of the issue and defend their position. Wells Fargo ($WFC) Speaks Out Wells Fargo ($WFC) CEO Timothy J. Sloan opened up about the deal. "This is not what it looks like," Sloan offered. "The mall is haunted which is why nobody wanted it, even though scraping the place and selling off the materials is immensely profitable. That's the reason Citibank, JPMorgan Chase and Bank of America weren't at the auction. We're going to do the humane thing and donate the Galleria at Pittsburgh Mills it to Ghost Adventures so they can find out what's going on in there. Once we get rid of the ghosts the stores will reopen and people will once again embrace the shopping mall as local Meccas of consumerism." Big Banks Scared Off By Foreclosed Mall Bank of America ($BAC) CEO Brian T. Moynihan was asked about the remarkably cheap auction of the Galleria at Pittsburgh Mills and said that he was aware of the ghost infestation at the mall. JPMorgan Chase ($JPM) CEO Jamie Dimon was pleased with the sale. "I salute Wells Fargo for taking of the advantage of the rules of the game which we all helped to write," said Dimon. "It's great they could buy this haunted property for $100 and give back to the community." Barbara J. Desoer, CEO of Citigroup ($C) revealed a passion for the supernatural. "I love Ghost Adventurers," said Desoer. "I love anything involving ghosts and the unexplained. I'm really interested in zombie banks. Now a zombie mall? I'm ecstatic!" Local Residents Fearful Of Foreclosed Mall Residents living near the foreclosed Pittsburgh mall have formed a legend around the shopping center and its history of devouring stores, shoppers and the souls of children. "You can't go near it at night," said Dansby Miles, 24. "The wind howls through it and there's this feeling of total despair. I heard the stories when I was younger. The mall has a mind of its own. It calls people to it and they vanish forever. One of my friends told me that it's built on an old Native American graveyard, but I don't know if that's true." "A lot of us dream about it," said Jennifer Conners, 16. "It's not like those Nightmare on Elm Street movies. There's no Freddy Kruger or anything like that. It's just this ominous sense of dread that pulls you there and if you can't get away, you get lost. There have been over a dozen kids who went missing. All living right around here. I'm scared I'll be next." "All I know is that our kids are scared," said Anna Portswell, 42. "They are scared of the mall. They are scared about the future." Ghost Adventures On Location Zak Bagans of Ghost Adventures was bullish on the probability of finding some great evidence at the site of the foreclosed mall.
"This is a great location," said Bagans. "I've heard of zombie banks before, but I'm really hoping that this is a zombie mall. I've already logged some nasty electromagnetic activity emanating from the JC Penney ($JCP). Seems like there might be a really foul presence in there." Castmember Jay Walsey stopped setting up a range of stage III parabolic cameras with optic sensory detection to comment on the status of the mall. "I've never felt anything like this," said Walsey. "This is even more intense than the Route 666 episode." |
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