If You Can't Beat Them, Hack Them
SUNNYVALE, CALIFORNIA - After being leveled with yet another massive hack by data pirates, shares of Yahoo ($YHOO) rose on news that the tech giant will launch a hacking service exclusively for Yahoo! account holders.
The new division will allow Yahoo! users to contract out hacking assignments to a wealth of independent contractors based in countries without extradition treaties. According to insiders, the bidding system will use a similar platform as the web application Fiverr.com, where end-users will be able to peruse the exploits of anonymous hackers based on their anonymous reviews.
"We're always looking for ways to improve shareholder value," said Yahoo! CEO Marissa Meyer. "Hacking is the wave of the future and if we don't adapt, we're going to get left in the digital dust."
According to a Yahoo! spokesperson, hacking services will start at $9.99 for hacking private citizens, $29.99 for hacking businesses, and $49.99 for hacking government agencies. Additional charges may be levied due to the complexity of the cyber-attack and the sophistication of the cyber security protecting the target.
Yahoo! Pursues Controversial Spokesperson
Ken Goldman, CFO of Yahoo! was bullish on the prospect of securing hacking victim and former chairman of Hillary Clinton's doomed Presidential campaign, John Podesta, as the brand ambassador for the new service.
"He'd be crazy to refuse our offer," Goldman said. "He's probably the most famous hacking victim of all time and we want to have consumers to not want to be him."
Goldman added that he'd like to sign Hillary Cilnton to a similar deal but feared her asking price would be too high, like all her speeches.
Cyber Security Firms Respond
George Kurtz, President and CEO of Crowdstrike, a leading cyber security firm, was not pleased with the announcement.
"Have you ever heard the expression 'if you play with fire, you're going to get burnt?' This is a perfect example. It's like [Yahoo!] can't or doesn't want to learn," said Kurtz. "They have some of the worst security I've ever seen and I sense epic blowback coming on for this kind of stupidity."
Robert Herjavec, Shark Tank star and CEO of The Herjavic Group, one of the top cybersecurity firms in the world, was equally as pessimistic about the move.
"This is sheer lunacy," said Herjavic. "I've seen some wacky ideas during my long tenure on Shark Tank, but if someone pitched something like this on the show, I would have shot them out of the studio in a cannon."
Putin Denies Involvement
In a stunning turn of events, Vladimir Putin released a statement through RT, Russia's state run media network.
"We don't hack companies like Yahoo," said Putin, Russia's strongman dictator. "Oh wait, we do. In fact, our next target is going to be Facebook. I'm sick and tired of unflattering memes being shared at my expense."
Shares of Facebook ($FB) rose sharply as the world-wide purveyor of nonsense saw an uptick in Putin-related memes shared millions of times.
President-Elect Trump Responds
When informed of Putin's comments regarding the Yahoo! hacking service, Donald Trump reaffirmed his respect for Putin and tweeted: "I agree with Putin."